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 When we commit ourselves to a relationship with
another person, we rightly expect to experience
a sense of fulfillment that we didn't have before.
Humans, as social beings, seem to have a universal
desire to find a partner. Sexual attraction often serves
as the motivator for making initial contact with the
other person, and this is usually replaced over time
with a deeper sense of commitment and intimacy. It
comes as a terrible disappointment to some people
when the sexual phase of their relationship fails to
lead in time to something deeper. The task, then, is to
understand the forces which block the development
of a deeper sense of intimacy - and to do something
about it. Fortunately, with some work - and it's
often hard work - couples can learn to move into the
stage of deeper sharing and more fulfillment in their
relationships.
The excitement which comes with entering a new
relationship touches us at the core of our being. It
influences our thinking, our emotions, and our physical
bodies. In some sense it feels like a dream come true.
We feel that, finally, the hard years of experiencing
the world alone have come to an end. The thing that
we have longed for has been achieved. We now have
a partner, someone who can share, understand, and
appreciate our most private experiences. The world
suddenly seems like a happier and more secure place.
The beginning stages of a relationship can bring a
precious sense of connectedness - but when that phone
call doesn't come, when a plan goes awry, when the
wrong words are spoken, the emotional high can turn
swiftly into a feeling of devastation. Being in love
can have its down side.
Over time the physical stage of the relationship is
typically replaced by a period of getting to know
more about other aspects of our partner's personality.
Some of these characteristics are endearing to us
- and others serve to irritate us. We learn how our
partner attends to the demands of everyday life, and
we learn that he or she may not do things the way
we do them. Our partner may take a more aggressive
approach than we do. Or we may find that our partner
dwells on issues, mulling them back and forth, before
coming to a decision - which is something that may
create anxiety in us. Our partner's sense of loyalty
to the relationship may be different from our own.
These differences may seem catastrophic during
this phase of the relationship. And at this stage,
rather than looking within to make our own personal
adjustment to our partner's quirks, we may try to
force our partners to change their behavior. Power
and domination may enter into the dynamics of the
relationship - and this can have a major negative
impact on intimacy. It is at this stage that genuine
communication becomes important to the continued
success of the relationship.
Genuine Communication:
Communication is at the center of relationships.
The quality of a relationship depends on
the quality of the communication between the
two partners. The most treasured times within a
relationship are those in which we tap into our
partner's authenticity with heartfelt communication
- those times when we talk truthfully.
Unfortunately, these moments come far too
rarely for many of us. Those who can achieve
physical intimacy are not necessarily those who can
communicate well verbally. Why is this? Some people
simply lack the tools and experience for talking about
emotional issues. Others talk a mile a minute, needing
to be validated by others but instead driving them
away. Some people are guarded and have difficulty in
opening up about anything personal. Some people are
unable to listen to their partner - they always bring
the topic back to themselves, or they may see their
role as the one who gives (unsolicited) advice.
Some people interpret their partner's desire for a
serious talk as criticism. They become defensive
when their partner tries to share the honest truth
with them. A serious talk, then, can easily lead to
an argument - and this leads to a failure of honest
communication. The more failures there are, the
less likely the couple will try to communicate on
a genuine level in the future - to the detriment of
intimacy in their relationship.
Telling the Truth
Truth is difficult for many of us. We all engage in a
bit of self-deception in our lives. There are things
about ourselves that we have not been able to examine
or accept. We have difficulty in admitting our flaws
- even to ourselves, much more so to our partners.
Sometimes we guard our intimate feelings because we
have been hurt in the past when we tried to share them
with others, so that trust is a difficult area for us. For
example, if you and your partner are feeling unloved
and lonely, but you try to cover it up by saying that
everything is fine, you will continue to feel isolated.
Our commitment to a relationship means that we have
decided to open ourselves up to another person, flaws
and all. To continue to deceive ourselves with our
partner impedes the intimacy of the relationship.
A relationship has the potential to provide a healthy
way to come to terms with our issues, both
personal and interpersonal. Accepting the truth, and
talking about it, can free us of pain and set the stage
for a healthier future. When we share our fears within
the context of our partner's loving understanding
and acceptance, the fears dissipate. The issues we
have been holding on to alone for so long lose their
force when they are shared with someone who loves
us. Telling the truth can bring down the barriers that
isolate us from our partners. It can lead to a new
level of self-acceptance and authenticity in our own
lives - and this in turn leads to a stronger level of
commitment and intimacy in our relationship. The
truth can make us whole and set us free.
Here are some guidelines for telling the truth:
UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU INTEND TO DO
WHEN YOU COMMUNICATE.. This calls
for an honest look at your motivations. If you
intend to create healing, clarity, or a deeper
sense of intimacy within the relationship, your
intention will probably lead to these results. If,
on the other hand, you want to make yourself
look good and your partner look bad - or if you
want to hurt your partner - then distrust will
result from the communication.
ASSESS HOW WELL YOUR PARTNER CAN
HANDLE THE TRUTH.There are times when
your partner may not be ready to have heartfelt
talks. A clue to this is when your partner
continually rejects, or is unable to hear, your
attempts at increased closeness. If your partner
tends to become defensive, if there is a history
of fighting when serious issues are discussed,
if your partner is unable to honor your personal
information and can't keep a secret, or if there
is a history of betrayal - then it might be
best to practice telling the truth with another
person, not your partner. Then, when you feel
comfortable in telling the truth and trusting, it
will be time to engage in heartfelt talks with
your partner. Some people prefer to start the
process alone with a therapist, since they are
trained to listen nonjudgmentally and are less
likely to take things personally.
UNDERSTAND YOUR OWN FEARS ABOUT
TELLING THE TRUTH. Communicating on an
honest and truthful level makes you vulnerable.
You may fear getting hurt or hurting your
partner's feelings. You may feel that you will be
misunderstood or that your partner will judge
you negatively. Our fears are based on past
experiences and reside within us. They are often
unrealistic. The higher goal is to communicate
truthfully with your partner in order to have a
more satisfying relationship, and this means
having the courage to confront your fears.
ACCEPT THE FACT THAT YOUR PARTNER
DOES NOT HAVE TO AGREE WITH YOU. Many of us are afraid to have intimate talks
with our partners unless they agree with
everything we have to say. Unfortunately, this
leads not so much to intimacy, which involves
a sharing and acceptance of our differences, as
it does to control struggles and isolation from
our partners. Accept, and even treasure, your
partner's individuality. Two people can be right
at the same time in a relationship - it's just a
matter of two different interpretations of the
same events. Intimacy occurs between two
complete, whole individuals, each of whom
honors their partner's way of looking at the
world.
Listening to the Truth
If you want your partner to be honest with you, you
have to be a good listener. Communication is a
two-way process. A good listener -
- is nonjudgmental and open-minded;
- doesn't jump to conclusions;
- understands that the truth comes out a little at
the time, not all at once;
- doesn't try to impose his or her personal
version of the truth on the speaker;
- doesn't interrupt and allows the speaker to
finish talking before responding;
- helps the speaker clarify what is being said;
- can tolerate different opinions without
becoming defensive.
People frequently hear something other than
what is being said. We misperceive because of
our own life experiences. If we frequently become
argumentative or have our feelings hurt during
conversations, it is helpful to examine our ability
to listen without drawing conclusions prematurely.
The way we hear what others say is often more
a reflection of us than the other person. True
listening involves looking within and developing
the ability to hear correctly what the other person is
trying to say. When people have heartfelt talks, their
intentions are usually good.
The long-term success of any relationship depends
on the ability of the two partners to achieve
intimacy through their communication. When the
two partners feel isolated from each other and
blocked in their ability to achieve the closeness
they once felt, it is time to work on expressing
their innermost thoughts and feelings to each other.
This involves a taking deep look within and a
commitment to face the fears which have driven
them apart. Telling the truth takes practice, and lots
of it - first on your own and then with your partner.
Looking within and accepting who you are - and
then sharing this with your partner - is healing. It is
a way to wholeness, both personally and as a couple.
A Way to Work on Intimate Communication
Many couples go for months or years without having deep and intimate talks. They
live with silence and feel emotionally estranged
from the person to whom they have committed themselves. They want the closeness they
expected when their relationship began, but
they don't know how to get there. The walls
seem too high. They hope that something magical will happen, that suddenly the barriers will
come falling down and they will be able to feel
close again. Unfortunately, couples seem to be
able to endure years of silence, and for many,
the turnaround never happens. It takes a realization that the relationship needs work. This
means taking an honest look at the state of the
relationship and a determination to do something about it.
Layne and Paul Cutright have developed a
structured approach to achieving truth and
honesty in relationships. In their book, Straight
from the Heart, they propose learning how to
share intimate communication through having Heart-to-Heart TalksTM. They identify four
types of processes that make up these talks -
Nurturing Processes - Every relationship needs mutual nurturing. Each partner needs
to feel cared about. In this phase of the talks,
the partners learn how to say things that lead
to mental and emotional wellness. This healing
energy allows the relationship to begin to flourish.
Clearing Processes - In order to let go
of (or clear) your fears and anxieties, it is necessary to talk them through so that you can begin
to see new possibilities. It is difficult to see these
possibilities when fear prevails. Sharing your
fears with another person diminishes their power
over you.
Discovery Processes - Talking out loud
helps us to achieve a new understanding of a
situation. These are things about ourselves that
we normally keep hidden, both from others and
ourselves. Sharing them with another person
allows us to gain new perspectives.
Affirming Processes - Your partner can
help you to strengthen your self-esteem and self-respect. Your relationship can become a place
where you feel good, whole, and complete.
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