|
 Grieving comes to most of us at some point in
our lives. In fact, statistics show that each
person can expect to experience the loss of a
loved one once every nine to thirteen years. The
resulting sadness may be the most painful of life's
experiences. Because it is painful, however, our
eventual adaptation to the loss can bring meaning
and integrity to our lives - and this, ultimately, is a
gift to us from the one we have lost. It is a reminder
to us that the circle is unbroken.
Our ability to adapt to loss is an important feature of the course of our lives. Change can instigate growth.
Loss can give rise to gain. If we do not grieve the
loss, however, it may drain us of energy and interfere with our living fully in the present. If we are not
able to mourn at all, we may spend our lives under
the spell of old issues and past relationships - living
in the past and failing to connect with the experiences of the present
Grieving is a process of experiencing our reactions to loss. It is similar to mourning. The term bereavement means the state, not the process, of suffering
from a loss. Normal grieving is an expected part of
the process of recuperating from a
i loss. The intensity of the process
comes as a surprise to most people -
and for many it becomes one of their
most significant life experiences.
People have their own individual
grief responses. No two people
will experience the process in the
same way.
The first reaction to the loss of a loved
one, even when the loss is expected, is
usually a sense of disbelief, shock, numbness, and bewilderment. The survivor may
experience a period of denial in which the reality of
the loss is put out of mind. This reaction provides
the person some time to prepare to deal with the
inevitable pain.
The feeling of numbness then turns to intense suffering. The person feels empty. There are constant
reminders of the one who has been lost. There may
be periods of increased energy and anxiety followed by times of deep sadness, lethargy, and
fatigue. There may be a period of prolonged despair
as the person slowly begins to accept the loss. The
one who grieves may find it difficult to feel pleasure and it may seem easier most of the time to
avoid other people. The bereaved may dream
repeatedly about the lost loved one - or hear their
voice or even actually see them. The grieving survivor may adopt some mannerisms of the one who
has left.
Sadness may be interspersed with times of intense
anger. Many of us have difficulty in expressing
anger toward one who has died. (However, anger
enters into most of our relationships, and the relationship with the one who has died does continue,
though changed, even after death.) We may
reproach ourselves for not doing enough to prevent
the death or for having treated the deceased badly
in the past. The grieving person may become irritable and quarrelsome - and may interpret signs of
good will from others as messages of rejection.
Normal stressors may become triggers that set off
periods of deep anger.
Physical symptoms commonly accompany grief.
These include weakness, sleep disturbance, a
change in appetite, shortness of breath, dizziness,
headaches, back pain, gastric reflux, or heart palpitations.
Some people may show a "flight into health," as if
the loss were behind them and they had started to
move on again. This pattern occurs frequently,
especially in a society which encourages quick
fixes, even though complete resolution of the grief
process can take up to two or three years. To shorten the process by pretending that it has been completed is to invite a prolongation of the symptoms.
Suggestions for Experiencing Grief
All of us grieve in different ways^ depending on the
circumstances of the death, our own* personal characteristics, and the meanings attached to the death
by those left behind. Nonetheless, there are some
specific actions that most of us can take to complete the process in a way that allows us to move
on, eventually, to a whole and meaningful life again
again.
Allow yourself to grieve and feel the depth of your
loss. Grieving is hard work. We may feel that we
should be "strong" and hold in our emotions, that
happy thoughts and feelings are the only way to get
through a trying time. This approach, however,
makes it very difficult to complete the process of
grieving. It is important to accept the reality of the
loss. The person who died is gone and will not
return. This fact must be accepted in order for the
grief process to continue. Try to understand why the
death occurred and the events that led to the death.
Give yourself permission to feel and think about
whatever comes up regarding your loss. If happy
thoughts and feelings come your way, allow them to
happen. Similarly, if dreadful pain, sadness, and
anxiety show up, when tears turn to uncontrollable
sobs, give in to these temporary feelings. Embrace
your sadness, know it, and make it your own. If it is
difficult to open yourself to these feelings, it may
help to make a personal commitment to complete
the grief process. Vow to yourself that for your own
benefit, for the good of others in your life and for
your future happiness, that you need to get through
your loss completely and in a healthy way. This
means opening yourself up to all of your feelings
and thoughts, both positive and negative, and letting
them happen.
Accept the help of others and let them know what
you need. Don't try to do it alone. This is the cardinal rule in grief work. Isolation is bad for most people, and it is especially harmful for a person who is
grieving. Research shows that people who have
social support complete the grieving process better
than those who try it in isolation. Social support
should be available to you during the entire grieving process, but especially initially after the death.
Find people who can be trusted absolutely and can
listen well. We need to share the intense thoughts
and feelings that we experience when we are alone.
It is during the time of grieving that many people
look for the help of a professional therapist who is
likely better prepared than most to empathize with
you and guide the process productively. Other people give you a sense of security and reality when
your life has been turned upside down by the loss
of a loved one. Accepting the help of others during
mourning is not a sign of weakness. It simply
means that you can allow yourself to be comforted
during a rough period, and this will contribute to
your strength later. Sometimes other people may
not know what you need, even if their intentions
are good. In this case, it is important to educate
them. If they say the wrong things, let them know.
If there are specific things that you need, tell them.
Assertiveness may be difficult during grieving
because you have little energy, but clear communication is essential to getting your needs met.
Be realistic in processing your grief. Read up on
grief work or talk to a therapist who can describe
the grief process. Understand what you are trying
to accomplish, and realize that your pain will subside in time. There is a clear goal in sight. Understand what this death means to you and what issues
it brings up for you. The loss may be there always,
but you can come to understand it and feel comfortable with yourself in time. Accept the fact that you
will have some reactions during the process which
you may not like - angry blowups, ignoring other
people, moodiness. Expect your loss to dredge up
intense emotions, although these feelings will pass
in time. Your way of grieving is particular to you
and your individual loss. It is not helpful to blame
or to be blamed for the unique way each of us
grieves. Don't let the personal judgments of others
determine how or to what degree you should
grieve. Your grieving is your own.
Find ways to express your feelings. The expression
of emotion is one of the most important aspects of
the grieving process. Each of us has different ways
of expressing feelings. Some of us talk about them,
while others prefer to write them in a journal or
physically act out the feelings (pounding a pillow
or punching bag, running, or dancing). Look for
trusted and nonjudgmental people in your support
system who are able to hear you talk at length, cry
until you can't anymore, and review your experiences with the deceased. Expressing your feelings
is a crucial part of the grief experience.
Submit to the grief process and take care of your
needs. Even though grieving is hard work, and we
may prefer to avoid it, there is no way around it.
There is a major disruption in your life when a
loved one dies and this entails a period of re-adjustment. Here are some real-life concerns to keep in
mind during the grief process.
Give yourself some quiet time alone.
Find a
good balance between being around others
and giving yourself some solitude so that you
can reflect on your loss and process your feelings.
Allow yourself to have some breaks
from your grief.
Grieving is difficult. As in
any hard job, you need a break from it from
time to time. Go out and try to have a good
time with friends. Read a good book. Lose
yourself in a good movie.
If possible avoid making long-term decisions.
Times of crisis decrease our ability to make
rational decisions. Put decisions off until
things have settled down to a more stable pattern.
Take care of your health.
Grief is a time of
high physical risk. Even though it may be difficult, try to get some physical exercise, even
if it is only a daily walk. Maintain a nutritious
diet, but don't avoid indulging in special treats
occasionally since self-nurturing is important
during the process. Above all, avoid alcohol
and drugs during this time. They may provide
a temporary feeling of relief, but your goal
should focus on grieving productively, not
avoiding it.
Grieving is a very personal experience and
one of our most painful to endure. It is also a
journey into the depths of our lives that can
ultimately reveal our strength of character.
SOME THOUGHTS ON GRIEVING
Losses are a fact of life.
Every relationship
is only temporary.
I need to be as aware as possible
of what is happening.
I will not always feel
the way I do now.
Tears are a sign of strength,
not weakness.
My loved one would want me
to get on with life again.
I am willing to give this
all the time it takes.
I need to do a lot of talking
and crying - as much as it takes.
My. loved one's departure allows me
to find out more about who 1 am.
My life has been disrupted,
and now 1 will work to get it back on track again.
I need to share my experience
with other human beings.
My grieving is my own -
I, and not others, will determine
what form it takes.
Nobody else can take
this life journey for me.
I will be happy again.
"Give sorrow words;
the grief that does not speak
whispers the o'er-fraught
heart and
bids it break."- William Shakespeare
(Macbeth, Act IV, Scene 3)
|
