|
(...Continued from Page #1)
Rejection. When we are rejected or abandoned,
we experience loss - but perhaps more
important is the fact that we hear the message that we are not good enough. We have
to deal with grieving the loss of an important emotional bond - and our self-image is
assaulted as well. The fear of abandonment
is a powerful force in the lives of many people. This fear can have a strong impact on
the way they relate to the world and other
people.
Deception. Other people may manipulate or lie
to us, using us to further their own goals.
This occurs, for example, when we are
asked to keep "family secrets" or to deny
real problems. Not only do we learn to distrust others, but we might also come to distrust our own judgment for falling prey to
the deceptions of other people. This harms
our ability to trust, and our self-esteem as
well.
Abuse. We hear about abuse frequently in the
media these days. Abuse comes in many
forms - physical, emotional, sexual, or
through neglect - and it can happen in childhood or in an adult relationship. Many people who suffered from abuse during their
childhoods, go straight into an abusive adult
relationship. The consequences are enormous for the victim. We feel low, unable to
share with others, and suspect that others
must somehow know about our horrible
secrets. We are left with a sense of powerlessness and a legacy of guilt and shame.
Forgiving the one who caused us harm may seem like
the last thing we would want to do. After all, by not
forgiving, we can hold onto the belief that we have some
power over the perpetrator and that we can therefore
prevent the harm from ever happening again.
|
|
 |
|
Or we may
be so invested in playing the role of victim that to for-
give would mean giving up a large part of how we
define ourselves. We may feel that evil should never be
forgiven.
An important point to keep in mind, however, is that
when we forgive, we are doing it for ourselves, not
for the other person. Forgiving is one way of letting go
of old baggage so that we can move on with our lives.
Forgiveness does not change the past - but it does
change what we can have in the future.
There are no deadlines for choosing the option of forgiveness. Forgiving is a highly personal act, and it
will not happen until we are ready to let go of the old
hurt and move on in our lives with a sense of personal
empowerment. Premature forgiveness is not really forgiveness at all. We must prepare for it, and this requires
a deep look into our lives. Above all, it is a choice - and
some people may choose not to forgive at all. This is a
perfectly valid personal decision in certain situations.
| The Nature of Forgiveness |
|
Forgiveness is not a way of forgetting the past. Indeed,
if we have been harmed, we should not forget it. We
can learn from the past about how to avoid being
harmed in the future. Nor is forgiveness a way of exonerating the perpetrator. We recognize that the harm did
happen, that the other person is responsible for this and
must come to terms with their own guilt. We are not trying to minimize the harm or claim that the behavior was
acceptable.
(Continue...........) |
