|
 Conflict between people
is a fact of life - and it's
not necessarily a bad thing.
In fact, a relationship with frequent conflict may be
healthier than one with no observable conflict. Conflicts
occur at all levels of interaction - at work, among
friends, within families and between relationship partners. When conflict occurs, the relationship may be
weakened or strengthened. Thus, conflict is a critical
event in the course of a relationship. Conflict can cause
resentment, hostility and perhaps the ending of the relationship. If it is handled well, however, conflict can be
productive - leading to deeper understanding, mutual
respect and closeness. Whether a relationship is healthy
or unhealthy depends not so much on the number of conflicts between participants, but on how the conflicts are
resolved.
Sometimes people shy away from conflict, and the reasons for this are numerous. They may, for example,
feel that their underlying anger may go out of control if
they open the door to conflict. Thus, they may see conflict as an all-or-nothing situation (either they avoid it
altogether or they end up in an all-out combative mode,
regardless of the real severity of the conflict). Or they
may find it difficult to face conflict because they feel
inadequate in general or in the particular relationship.
They may have difficulty in positively asserting their
views and feelings. Children who grow up surrounded
by destructive conflict may, as adults, determine never
to participate in discord. In this situation, the person
may never have learned that there are effective, adaptive
ways to communicate in the face of conflict.
People adopt a number of different styles in facing
conflict. First, it is common to see a person avoid or
deny the existence of conflict. Unfortunately, in this
case, the conflict lingers in the background during interaction between the participants and creates the potential
for further tension and even more conflict. A second
response style is that of one person getting mad and
blaming the other person. This occurs when a person
mistakenly equates conflict with anger. This stance does
nothing to resolve the conflict and in fact only serves to
increase the degree of friction between the two participants by amplifying defensiveness. A third way which
some people use to resolve conflict is by using power
and influence to win at the other's expense. They welcome conflict because it allows their competitive
impulses to emerge, but they fail to understand that the
conflict is not really resolved since the "loser" will continue to harbor resentment. Similarly, some people
appear to compromise in resolving the conflict, but they
subtly manipulate the other person in the process, and
this, again, perpetuates the conflict between the two parties and compromises the trust between them. There are
better ways to handle interpersonal conflict.
Healthy Approaches to Conflict Resolution
Conflicts run all the way from minor, unimportant
differences to disputes which can threaten the existence of a relationship. Conflicts with a loved one or a
long-term friend are, of course, different from negotiating with someone who does not care about your needs,
like a stranger or a salesperson. However, there is an
underlying principle that underscores all successful conflict resolution. That is, both parties must view their
conflict as a problem to be solved mutually so that both
parties have the feeling of winning - or at least finding
a solution which is acceptable to both. Each person must
participate actively in the resolution and make an effort
and commitment to find answers which are as fair as
possible to both. This is an easy principle to understand, but it is often difficult to put into practice.
We may get so caught up with our own immediate
interests that we damage our relationships. If we
disregard or minimize the position of the other person,
if fear and power are used to win, or if we always have
to get our own way, the other person will feel hurt and
the relationship may be wounded. Similarly, if we
always surrender just to avoid conflict, we give the
message to the other person that it is acceptable to act
self-serving at our expense and to be insensitive to our
needs. Our feeling of self-worth suffers, resentment festers, and we feel poisoned in the relationship. Instead, it
is healthier if both parties can remain open, honest,
assertive and respectful of the other position. Mutual
trust and respect, as well as a positive, constructive attitude, are fundamental necessities in relationships that
matter.
Preventing Conflict
Most people have no interest in creating conflict
with others. Most of us know enough about
human behavior to distinguish between healthy communication and the words or actions that contribute to
rocky relationships. It is in our interest to maintain relations which are smooth, flexible, and mutually enhancing. The problem occurs when we fail to use cooperative approaches consistently in our dealings with others.
We seldom create conflict intentionally. We do it
because we may not be aware of how our own behavior
contributes to interpersonal problems. Sometimes we
forget, or we are frustrated and annoyed, and sometimes we just have a bad day. At times we feel so exasperated that we focus on our own needs at the expense
of others'. And then we find ourselves in conflict.
To prevent conflict from happening in the first place,
it is important to identify the ways in which we
contribute to the disagreement. One way of doing this
is to identify a specific, recent conflicted situation,
recall what you said, and then think specifically about
how you could have used more effective language.
Think about ways in which your communication could
have set a more trustful tone or reduced defensiveness.
Then, once you have identified your part in the conflict, such as blaming, practice working on that particular behavior for a day or a week. At the end of the time
period, evaluate your progress. Did you succeed? In
what situations did you not succeed? (While it may be
the other person who created the conflict, you are the
other half of the interaction and it is your own response
that you have control over and can change.)
Using Effective Communication Techniques to Reduce Conflict
Once you find yourself in a conflicted situation with
someone else, it is important to reduce the emotional charge from the situation so that you and the
other person can deal with your differences on a rational level in resolving the conflict.
The Defusing Technique: The other person might be angry and may come to the situation
armed with a number of arguments describing how you
are to blame for his or her unhappiness. Your goal is to
address the other's anger - and you do this by simply
agreeing with the person. When you find some truth in
the other point of view, it is difficult for the other person to maintain anger. For example, "I know that I said
I would call you last night. You are absolutely right. I
wish I could be more responsible sometimes." The
accusation might be completely unreasonable from
your viewpoint, but there is always some truth in what
the other person says. At the very least, we need to
acknowledge that individuals have different ways of
seeing things. This does not mean that we have to compromise our own basic principles. We simply validate
the other's stance so that we can move on to a healthier
resolution of the conflict. This may be hard to do in a
volatile situation, but a sign of individual strength and
integrity is the ability to postpone our immediate reactions in order to achieve positive goals. Sometimes we
have to "lose" in order, ultimately, to "win."
Empathy: Try to put yourself into the shoes of
the other person. See the world through their
eyes. Empathy is an important listening technique
which gives the other feedback that he or she is being
heard. There are two forms of empathy. Thought
Empathy gives the message that you understand what
the other is trying to say. You can do this in conversation by paraphrasing the words of the other person.
For example, "I understand you to say that your trust
in me has been broken." Feeling Empathy is your
acknowledgment of how the other person probably
feels. It is important never to attribute emotions which
may not exist for the other person (such as, "You're
confused with all your emotional upheaval right
now"), but rather to indicate your perception of how
the person must be feeling. For example, "I guess you
probably feel pretty mad at me right now."
Exploration Ask gentle, probing questions
about what the other person is thinking and feeling. Encourage the other to talk fully about what is on
his or her mind. For example, "Are there any other
thoughts that you want to share with me?"
Using "I" Statements: Take responsibility for your own thoughts rather than attributing
motives to the other person. This decreases the chance
that the other person will become defensive. For
example, "I feel pretty upset that this thing has come
between us." This statement is much more effective
than saying, "You have made me feel very upset."
Stroking Find positive things to say about the
other person, even if the other is angry with you.
Show a respectful attitude. For example, "I genuinely
respect you for having the courage to bring this problem to me. I admire your strength and your caring attitude."
A Rational Way of Resolving Conflicts
Here is a model that may help in resolving interpersonal conflicts.
Identify the Problem. Have a discussion to
understand both sides of the problem. The goal at
this initial stage is to identify what you want and to
listen to what the other person wants. Define the
things that you both agree on, as well as the ideas
that have caused the disagreement. It is important to
listen actively to what the other is saying, use "I"
statements and avoid blame.
Come Up With Several Possible Solutions. This is the brainstorming phase. Drawing on the
points that you both agree on and your shared goals,
generate a list of as many ideas as you can for solving the problem, regardless of how feasible they
might be. Aim toward quantity of ideas rather than
quality during this phase, and let creativity be your
guide.
Evaluate These Alternative Solutions. Now
go through the list of alternative solutions to the
problem, one by one. Consider the pros and cons of
the remaining solutions until the list is narrowed
down to one or two of the best ways of handling the
problem. It is important for each person to be honest in this phase. The solutions might not be ideal
for either person and may involve compromise.
Decide on the Best Solution. Select the solution that seems mutually acceptable, even if it is not
perfect for either party. As long as it seems fair and
there is a mutual commitment to work with the
decision, the conflict has a chance for resolution.
Implement the Solution. It is important to
agree on the details of what each party must do,
who is responsible for implementing various parts
of the agreement, and what to do in case the agreement starts to break down.
Continue to Evaluate the Solution. Conflict
resolutions should be seen as works in progress.
Make it a point to ask the other person from time to
time how things are going. Something unexpected
might have come up or some aspect of the problem
may have been overlooked. Your decisions should
be seen as open to revision, as long as the revisions
are agreed upon mutually.
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