|
 A successful relationship is composed of two individuals -
each with a clearly defined sense of her or his own
identity. Without our own understanding of self, of who we
are and what makes us unique, it is difficult to engage in the
process of an ongoing relationship in a way that functions
smoothly and enhances each of the partners. We need a
sense of self in order to clearly communicate our needs and
desires to our partner. When we have a strong conception of
our own identity, we can appreciate and love those qualities
in our partner that make him or her a unique person. When
two people come together, each with a clear definition of her
or his own individuality, the potential for intimacy and commitment can be astounding. The similarities between two
people may bring them together, but their differences contribute to the growth, excitement and mystery of their relationship.
One feature of a healthy sense of self is the way we
understand and work with boundaries. Personal boundaries are the limits we set in relationships that allow us to
protect our selves. Boundaries come from having a good
sense of our own self-worth. They make it possible for us to
separate our own thoughts and feelings from those of others
and to take responsibility for what we think, feel and do.
Boundaries allow us to rejoice in our own uniqueness. Intact
boundaries are flexible - they allow us to get close to others
when it is appropriate and to maintain our distance when we
might be harmed by getting too close. Good boundaries protect us from abuse and pave the way to achieving true intimacy. They help us take care of ourselves.
Many people are working longer hours and taking on more
responsibilities just to "stay in place." Where one income
used to support a family, now it usually takes two - and this has a
major impact on the dynamics of raising a family.
Unhealthy boundaries often emerge from dysfunctional
family backgrounds. The needs of parents or other
adults in a family are sometimes so overwhelming that the
task of raising children is demoted to a secondary role, and
dysfunction is the likely result. Consider the role of the father who screams at his children or becomes physically abusive with them as a way of dealing in a self-centered way with his own anger. His needs come first, and
the needs of the children for safety, security, respect and
comfort come second. What the children are likely to
learn in this situation is that boundaries don't matter. As
they grow up, they lack the support they need to form a
healthy sense of their own identities. In fact, they may
learn that if they want to get their way with others, they
need to intrude on the boundaries of other people -just
as their father did. They would likely grow up with fluid
boundaries, which may lead to dysfunctional relationships later on in life. They would have a hazy sense of
their own personal boundaries. Conversely, they may
learn that rigid and inflexible boundaries might be the
way to handle their relationships with other people.
They wall themselves off in their relationships as a way
of protecting themselves, and, as a consequence, may
find it difficult to form close interpersonal bonds with
others in adulthood.
Here are some ways in which unhealthy boundaries
may show themselves in our relationships, along
with some remedies -
Lack of a Sense of Identify
When we lack a sense of our own identity and the
boundaries which protect us, we tend to draw our
identities from our partner. We can't imagine who we
would be without our relationship. We become willing
to do anything it takes to make the relationship work,
even if it means giving up our emotional security,
friends, integrity, sense of self-respect, independence, or
job. We may endure physical, emotional or sexual abuse
just to save the relationship.
The more rational alternative is to find out who
we are and what makes us unique - and to
rejoice in this discovery. Realize that your value
and worth as a person are not necessarily dependent on having a significant other in your life,
that you can function well as an independent person in your own right. When you move into
accepting yourself, your relationships will actually have a chance to grow and flourish. This journey of self-discovery can be challenging - but
highly rewarding. Working with a trained
therapist can provide the structure and support
needed to take on this task.
Settling for Second Best
We may cling to the irrational belief that things
are good enough in the relationship - that we
feel a measure of security and that this is as good as
it's likely to get. In the process, however, we give up
the chance to explore our sense of fulfillment in life.
We give up our own life dreams in order to maintain
the security of a relationship. There is a feeling that
if one of the partners grows and finds personal life
fulfillment, the relationship would be damaged.
A healthy relationship is one in which our
boundaries are strong enough, yet flexible enough, to allow us to flourish with our
own uniqueness. There is a sense of respect
on the part of both partners that allows each to
live as full a life as possible and to explore
their own personal potential. We don't have to
give up ourselves for a relationship. Healthy
boundaries allow trust and security to
develop in a relationship.
Over-Responsibility and Guilt
One characteristic of growing up in a dysfunctional
household is that we may learn to feel guilty if we
fail to ensure the success and happiness of other members of the household. Thus, in adulthood, we may come
to feel responsible for our partner's failures. The guilt
we feel when our partner fails may drive us to keep tearing down our personal boundaries so that we are always
available to the other person. When we feel overly
responsible for another person's life experiences, we
deprive them of one of the most important features of an
independent, healthy and mature life - the ability to
make our own life choices and accept the consequences
of our decisions.
A healthier response is to show our partners
respect by allowing them to succeed or fail
on their own terms. You, of course, can be there
to comfort your partner when times become difficult, and you can rejoice together when success is
the outcome. When boundaries are healthy, you
are able to say, "I trust and respect you to make
your own life choices. As my equal partner, I will
not try to control you by taking away your
choices in life."
The Difference Between Love and Rescue
People who grow up in a dysfunctional family may
fail to learn the difference between love and sympathy. Children growing up in these conditions may
learn to have sympathy for the emotional crippling in
their parents' lives and feel that the only time they get
attention is when they show compassion for the parent.
They feel that when they forgive, they are showing
love. Actually, they are rescuing the parent and
enabling abusive behavior to continue. They learn to
give up their own protective boundaries in order to
take care of the dysfunctioning parent. In adulthood,
they carry these learned behaviors into their relationships. If they can rescue their partner, they feel that
they are showing love. They get a warm, caring, sharing feeling from helping their partner - a feeling they
call love. But this may actually encourage their partner
to become needy and helpless. An imbalance can then
occur in the relationship in which one partner becomes
the rescuer and the other plays the role of the helpless
victim. In this case, healthy boundaries which allow
both partners to live complete lives are absent. Mature
love requires the presence of healthy and flexible
boundaries.
Sympathy and compassion are worthy qualities, but they are not to be confused with
love, especially when boundaries have become
distorted. Healthy boundaries lead to respect
for the other and equality in a relationship, an
appreciation for the aliveness and strength of
the other person, and a mutual flow of feelings
between the two partners - all features of
mature love. When one partner is in control and
the other is needy and helpless, there is no room
for the normal give-and-take of a healthy
relationship.
Fantasy vs. Reality
Children from dysfunctional households often feel
that things will get better someday, that a normal life
may lie in the future. Indeed, some days things are fairly
normal, but then the bad times return again. It's the normal days that encourage the fantasy that all problems in
the family might someday be solved. When they grow
up, these adults carry the same types of fantasy into their
relationships. They may portray to others the myth that
they have the perfect relationship - and they may
believe, to themselves, that someday all of their relationship problems will somehow be solved. They ignore the
abuse, manipulation, imbalance and control in the relationship. By ignoring the problems, they are unable to
confront them - and the fantasy of a happier future
never comes to pass. Unhealthy boundaries, where we
collude with our partner in believing the myth that
everything is fine, make it difficult to come to terms
with the troubles of the relationship.
"Good fences make good neighbors"
- Robert Frost
Learning to have healthy boundaries is an exciting
adventure, an exercise in personal liberation. It
means coming to know ourselves and increasing our
awareness of what we stand for. It also means self-acceptance and knowing that we are OK as we are and
worthy of the good things in life. When two people with
healthy boundaries enter into a relationship, they
encourage wholeness, independence and a zest for life in
their partner. They know that trust is possible and that
the normal expected difficulties found in all relationships can be worked on constructively. They can find
true intimacy as whole, complete and equal people. The
journey to a sense of healthy identity is not always easy
- but it need not be all that difficult. It often means letting go of some of our old misconceptions about the
nature of the world. It means treating ourselves with
respect and appreciating ourselves for what we really
are. When we can do this for ourselves, we can take the
same approach toward our partner - and then the true
happiness and love that our relationship deserves can
become a reality.
|
