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When people rage, they often want to overwhelm the other person who made them angry - but they fail to understand that the consequences of raging will generally backfire on them. They lose credibility and respect in the long run, and there may even be legal consequences.

     Anger directed toward others can also express itself in various forms of behavior, such as -

• Verbally abusing, berating and lecturing other people
• Holding grudges
• Manipulating others to get what you want
• Using sarcasm to show your superiority
• Harboring vengeful thoughts
• Refusing to see your part in a problem and placing the blame on another person or a situation
• Using the silent treatment
• Using unfair tactics on others and catching them off guard (passive aggression)
• Displacing anger on those who are weaker, but not the real cause of the anger

     The way we handle anger in adulthood has much to do with the strategies we learned in our earlier years, as well as the role-modeling we were exposed to. Some people feel that venting their anger will dissipate it, but research argues against this myth. Venting anger unproductively usually just increases the probability of getting angrier.

     Many people have been made to feel ashamed for having anger. If our self-esteem has been damaged, we are ripe candidates for blaming ourselves when we are angry. Women may be particularly susceptible because of cultural expectations to be nice.

We may learn to direct our anger inward, toward ourselves, rather than attributing it to a perceived threat in the external world. We may berate ourselves and engage in self-destructive behavior as a consequence. Anger directed toward ourselves can manifest itself in:

• Physically harming ourselves
• Blaming ourselves for problems, even when we are not really the cause of the problem
• Refusing to feel any emotions, numbing out
• Running away from problems and never addressing them
• Abusing drugs, alcohol, food or participating in other forms of addiction
• Engaging in dangerous behavior, such as reckless driving or thrill-seeking behavior
• Feeling uncomfortable in spending time alone
• Never letting go of anger and allowing it to store up

     The most important thing one can do to manage anger is to get to know this emotion, and to know it well. Ask yourself the following questions. What triggers my anger? Are there any themes in these triggers (for example, feeling condemned, feeling controlled by others, feeling rejected)? What happens in my body when I'm angry? What are my thoughts when I feel angry? What actions do I feel compelled to take? When you know your anger, you can have a more controlled response to it. This puts you into the position of having more choices in how you handle angry situations.

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This newsletter is intended to offer general information only and recognizes that individual issues may differ from these broad guidelines. Personal issues should be addressed within a therapeutic context with a professional familiar with the details of the problems.