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stability within themselves which they can apply in their relationships. They are able to feel appropriate emotions such as compassion, love, anger, and anxiety, but their stable and solid sense of self-worth remains intact.

     On the other hand, when we hear messages from our parents that tell us we are unworthy and will never amount to anything, we may begin to define ourselves in these terms. We may feel insecure within and rely, perhaps too heavily, on the opinions of others to determine who we are. Thus, we may come to define ourselves in terms of the clothes we wear, the house we live in, the job we hold, who our friends are, or the car we drive. If we rely too heavily on these externals, which are often beyond our control, we can plummet into a real crisis when, say, we lose a job or a friend. Without our external props, we are left with the old feelings from childhood that say we are worthless. Sometimes people with self-worth problems try to compensate by believing that they are better than others. This situation can lead to arrogance and difficulty in maintaining healthy relationships.

Reality Testing

     Those who grow up in healthy households are given a great deal of support in childhood for exploring the world around them. They are encouraged to know what they like and don't like. They are supported for exposing themselves to life's experiences and acquiring their own tools for dealing with the demands of adulthood.

     A dysfunctional upbringing, in contrast, may lead to putting the needs of the parents above those of the child. The family may create myths about how wonderful the family is, even though an alcoholic father or an abusive mother may engender feelings of anger or even hatred in the child. This child is never allowed to express his or her true feelings, which must stay private and unspoken. Thus the child grows up in a state of confusion, where anger is love and love is anger. In their own relationships later in life, these people may harbor unrelenting anger toward the ones they love. They may have difficulty in knowing just what it is they feel. Similarly, when our reality is skewed by the household we grow up in, we may give faulty interpretations to events in our world. Or we may have a poor concept of our own bodies (for example, we may feel overweight when everyone else thinks we are too thin). Or we may have difficulty in judging the impact of our behavior on other people.

Boundaries

     Healthy personal boundaries are one of our most adaptive tools for living around other people. They come from having a good sense of our self-worth and a healthy approach toward testing reality. Intact boundaries are flexible - they allow us to get close to others when it is appropriate and to maintain our distance when we might be harmed by getting too close. Good boundaries protect us from abuse and let us achieve true intimacy. They also allow us to separate our own thoughts and feelings from those of others and to take

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